Tales of The Unexpectedly Divorced..Back to Black

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Let me start by stating I will not apologise for bringing up Bear again. Well I am the relationship expert after all.  My reasoning behind my unapologetic nature here is because I promised honesty would be the foundation of my writing and, to do achieve this, I will advise based on experiences that I have gone through myself and alas, for the most part, Bear is said experience. 

We may not have all lived it, but I have at this point. That feeling when you slowly turn off the emotions you once felt for someone, in the same way we turn of the lights at the end of a party.

Advice from dua 

There are two ways in which we do this, either:

1) One at a time, light bulb by light bulb method (and my personal preference as far as it goes). Slowly turning off each light circuit one by one, watching the light in each aspect/sparkle of your old life, well… die.

2) Alternatively, we have the quicker route in which we scream “all off”. Everything goes dark and we run up the stairs from the kitchen hoping they will not catch us in motion; just as dynamically as we turn off the lights in mirror image, we move on.

So, what do we do when the lights go out on our relationship? Now thankfully, Dua Lipa has given us the much-needed advice, we all need:

One: don’t pick up the phone (you know he’s only calling ‘cos he’s drunk and alone)

Two: don’t let them in.

Three: don’t be their friend.

Back to the Drink

Do we listen? No, no we do not. Our friends, our nearest and dearest, see the red flags and they warn – oh god do they warn – of the variants of different scenarios.

I keep coming back to the relationship between Bear and myself, this is not due to some self-gratification of which I need, on the flip side it is due to relating to my own mishaps, hopefully helping you avoid your own.

I sent that final email, I promise you. In the words of the Kardashian’s: “Bible”.

Did that stop me drinking far too much and messaging further? No (I’d now say that in multiple languages to make my point; tragically I’m not that smart).

I went back.

Hold up, judgement is not welcome when it comes to living your ‘Best Gay Life’, so we will have none of that!

When you love someone, that feeling does not simply go away, the steps I have given you simply help you to overcome certain situations, not eradicate feelings. If I could erase feelings, one would be writing this from one’s New York penthouse, sipping a dirty vodka martini, stirred not shaken.

Albeit, I went back. For a coffee, then for dinner and drinks, and then for a debaucherously jolly good weekend. Now, don’t get me wrong, it didn’t by any means feel right. In fact, quite the opposite, and I guess that’s the point I want to make with this piece.

Friends and family who love and know you, and I derive this from personal experience, will be against you reconnecting with an ex. In actuality, when you love someone or have loved someone, it is not something you can simply turn off.

If you ain’t gonna love yourself 

Do what makes you happy and throw away anything that does not: if your ex brings you another three months of happiness, go for it!

Just remember that the “X” is there for a reason; if a bottle under the kitchen sink supported the same “X” logo, would you drink it?

Don’t lose the person you’ve become by helping someone who is lost find out who they are.

Don’t worry, after six months of ‘re-dating’ Bear, I realised the person he turned me into, and I stopped. The fact that this man considered a drug and alcohol fuelled weekend, “a date”, spoke volumes.

I am by no means a Princess, but I have learnt to love myself enough that I know better than that. I know I deserve more.

Ok, so I have digressed, albeit I hope in a beneficial way.

Back to those Rules …Thanks Dua!

Let me go back to my initial points, well Dua Lipa’s rules of relationship of which I am claiming to some degree:

  1. Don’t pick up the phone… well look, you may pick up the damn phone, if you loved this person at some point in your life, how could you not?
  2. Don’t let him in… I mean, I’m not encouraging you to simply let them back into your life, but remember your life is no longer them, your life is your friends, your family, your career and all that makes you happy. Did they make you happy?
  3. Don’t be his friend… Being their friend, now that’s tough. Some can, some can’t. All I ask is that you remember the person they drained out of you.

Never allow friends or family make you feel bad for relapsing. Look at a relationship (a bad one, anyway) as an addiction: They are not good for you, you still cannot let go, so of course this means you may relapse.

That said, do not lose yourself trying to help them find who they are; if they had any idea who they were, they wouldn’t feel the need to drag you or anyone else down.

You cannot make everyone appreciate you. You can on the other hand, damn well appreciate yourself.

By Keye Tortice-Lunn