No Fems Here

Hello, we have met at this point, I am of course gay and a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community. What you might not know is I am also a feminine member of said community. I have struggled in my dating life with being feminine as overall, I am simply, not what some gay men want. I will never be masculine or “masc4masc”, I am who I am, and further to this I am happy with who I am.   

Why is it though that a community fighting for their rights on a daily basis, still seems to think intercommunity bullying is acceptable in any way? You cannot one day fight for the rights of your community and then the next show discrimination towards those same people.

The Darkside of Online Dating


“Masc4Masc”, “nofem”, hashtags and statements we have all seen on Grindr, as though this blatant discrimination is acceptable anywhere, let alone a public forum, making others feel as though they are worth less and because of what? Is it being afraid of your own femininity? Are you hiding behind some form of toxic masculinity? Is it self-loathing towards who you really are?


No matter the reason, your own distain for men expressing their femininity does not give you the right to make someone else feel less than, for being true to themselves. ‘Stomped Out‘ is an organisation that works to fight against this kind of bullying for young people.


We are all allowed to have a type of course. I have a type, you have a type, Tim next door definitely had a type, at least he did last night… (small; brown; and kinda cute).


I am in no way saying there is anything wrong with having a type, but when your preferences compel you to tell someone “I don’t date fems”, you are placing a negative connotation on that word and moreover placing a negative connotation on them. As though they are wrong for being who they are, the very essence of their being is somehow wrong. Does this view, this opinion, this backwards thought process not sound familiar to you? As if this is not the very same bias that the LGBTQ+ community fights against on a daily basis.

Stronger Together


It’s about time and in this day and age that we stop with this intercommunity bullying, labelling, judging and putting down. We already have an uphill fight as a community to get to the level of equality which all beings deserve.

There is a specific reason I am writing this, well no that’s incorrect, there is a reason which has triggered this thought process more than before. I was talking to a guy on an app, for around maybe a week, for him to then see my Instagram and decide I was sadly, “too fem” for him. This is as said, fine, but just simply say I am not your type, instead of making me question who I am and whether that person can be accepted in the community, the family I thought made me feel safe.

Imagine seeing “no black” or “no Asian” something else we see far too often, when we are meant to be the group fighting for acceptance. Was being too “fem” the reason I’m alone? Should I delete certain photos from my social media? That, that right there there is the issue, making someone else doubt who they are because you cannot fully accept who you are.

You cannot take the opportunity every Pride to march in the streets fighting for equality, if you yourself do not uphold it.

I Am What I Am!


You cannot take the opportunity every Pride to march in the streets fighting for equality, if you yourself do not uphold it.


Fighting for acceptance when you yourself do not accept. I am not telling anyone what to do, I am simply trying to hold up a mirror to show how you can affect others.


Yes, I am what I am and proud, unapologetically myself in fact.


Are you proud in the actions you take towards others in your community? Check your dating profiles, are you saying something which excludes members of a community you are supposedly fighting for?


All actions have consequence and going to Pride is not simply about getting drunk and wearing little clothing, it’s about a community uniting, celebrating what we have achieved and fighting collectively for what progress still needs to be made. If you want to be a part of that fight you must be an ally to every single letter of LGBTQ+ and every derivative of each of those letters, if you can’t do that, I would strongly recommend staying home next Pride.


We don’t need your negativity in our lives.


This isn’t the end of my soapbox speech and I promise it won’t be until things change.

Written by Keye Tortice-Lunn

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